FORTY TWO
Light Entertainment War
A high street. Musical theme played on a banjo à la `Steptoe and Son' opening. Cut to a tracking shot of two tramps walking jauntily along. They are very arch, over-the-top jolly fellows. They nod at the occasional passer-by and do mock bows to a city gent.
CAPTION: Up Your Pavement
CAPTION: By the Rev. and Mrs A. G. Phipps
CAPTION: From an idea by Lord Carrington
They come to a litter bin, root in it, and one of them produces a newspaper. He hands it to the other, looks in again and brings out a pork pie. He looks in again, his eyes light up, and he produces a bottle of champagne. He passes it to his mate. He looks in again and finds two highly polished glasses. Meanwhile over all this and as they set off down the road together we hear:
CAPTION: What is a hen-teaser?
The phone rings. He answers it dynamically and we zoom in on his tense, alert, executive face.
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A squadron leader, just off on a mission, runs past, and dashes into a Nissen hut
CAPTION: Somewhere in England, 1944
The squadron leader enters an RAF officers' mess and takes off his helmet
A siren goes. The door bursts open and an out-of-breath young pilot rushes in in his flying gear.
General incomprehension. They look at each other
Stock film of a German bombing raid.
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Cut to a Whitehall war office conference room. A general is on the phone. Four other generals sit there.
A corporal rushes in.
A girl emerges from under the table. She is a blonde WAAF.
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Cut to a courtroom in the 1940s. A courtmartial is in progress. An elderly general presides, with two others on either side of him. There is a defence counsel, a prosecutor, a clerk of court, and two men guarding the prisoner.
Anything goes in.
Anything goes out!
Fish, bananas, old pyjamas,
Mutton! Beef! and Trout!
Anything goes in ...
Anything goes in. Anything goes out!
Fish, bananas, old bananas,
Mutton! Beef! and Trout!
Anything goes in. Anything goes out. etc.
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Cut to the coast of Norway. Night. Tense music. Shots of big coastal guns, cliff-top fortifications.
CAPTION: Drama!
CAPTION: Action!
Build up for abut ten seconds. Cut to a cliff top looking out to sea. A grappling hook comes over and sticks in, then another, and another. Whispered voices, music, the tension rises as the rope is tightened. Then over the top comes a German, head blackened and camouflaged. Then others climb over; they are wearing haloes, pink tutus, jackboots, wands. They charge over. Stock film of guns blazing.
CAPTION: Thrill!
Cut to stock shots of bombers on a night raid. Cut to interior of a bomber. Various shots of pilot and navigator. There is flak outside and explosions occasionally light up the cabin
During this last lot are superimposed in quick succession the following captions: `Drama' `Suspense' `Thrills' `Marquetry' `Adventures' `Don't miss it' `Coming to your cinema soon'
Opening titles
At the end of the title cut to to tramps exactly as at the beginning of the show.
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Then cut to two twin-set-and-pearls ladies, Mrs Elizabeth III and Mrs Mock Tudor. They are in a sitting room with vulgar furnishings. By the TV, which they are watching, stands a small Arab boy. He has electrodes fixed to him and wires stretching from a control box held by Mrs Elizabeth III. They are watching the tramps.
She presses the switch. The arab boy flinches with pain and turns and switches of the TV set.
Cut to Mrs Elizabeth III coming out of the front door in a fairly well-to-do mock Tudor detached house in its own grounds. She runs headlong into a tree opposite the front door. Repeat a few times. Then she rushes into a field, digs a hole three feet deep and stands in it. Cut to her standing beside a letter box. She straps on a long false nose and pokes it through the letter box. She drinks a delicate cup of tea at a posh café and eats the whole cup. Cut to her nailing something to a lorry. The lorry starts off to reveal that she had been nailing herself to the lorry. She is dragged away. Cut to TV planners at a window, watching Mrs Elizabeth III doing silly things in a car park below them. She has a cream bun hanging from a long stick which comes out of her hat. She walks along strangely.
Cut to Mrs Mock Tudor and Mrs Elizabeth III watching TV. There is a film of the motorway on it, filmed from the bank beside a bridge.
Cut back to the programme planners' conference.
They sit down again reluctantly. There is a short pause.
There is a knock at the door.
There is a knock at the door.
Continuous knocking on the door.
There is by now a constant hammering.
All shake their heads. The door is broken in. Enter a neo-fascist-looking security man in a wheelchair with an oriental sword through his head.
They rush to the monitor. One of them brushes the oriental sword which is through his head.
On the screen we see the court martial in progress as we saw it earlier in the show, with the whole court singing.
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Exterior, a large, tasteful, Georgian rich person's house with extensive gardens beautifully tended, croquet hoops on the lawn -- all in superb taste, nothing vulgar. The sun shines tastefully. The atmosphere is calm. Birds sing. Sound of lawnmowers and cricket in the distance. Laughter from the tennis court. Sound of gardener sharpening spades in the potting shed. Out of vision, a Red Indian struggles to free himself from the rope bonds that bind him. We hear `Where does a dream begin' being played on a cracked record.
CAPTION:
1942
Egypt crossed out
Ecuador crossed out
Ethiopia crossed out
England
The caption fades and we cut to an upper-class drawing room. Father, mother and daughter having tea. Four motionless servants stand behind them.
The daughter bursts into tears.
A pilot from the RAF banter scene enters.
The pilot launches into a quite enormously loud rendering of `She's going to marry Yum Yum'. The impact of this on the mother causes her to have a heart attack. She dies and the song ends.
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Cut to the scene on a TV screen and pull out from the TV to Mrs Mock Tudor and Mrs Elizabeth III in their sitting room watching it.
Mrs Mock Tudor switches her TV switch. The Arab boy winces in great pain and moves over to the set. He changes channels. Up comes a picture of the motorway again. Roller caption superimposed over the motorway. Appropriate `Crossroads' type theme music.
Mrs Elizabeth III throws the switch and the Arab boy winces with real pain and turns the knob of the television set which changes channels. On the TV set we see the same two ladies watching their set as before with the tramps on it. They continue watching until the two ladies on the set speak.
As before she switches switch. The Arab boy winces in pain and changes channels.
She throws the switch. The Arab boy winces in pain and turns over. The White City as for show-jumping. Close up of a mounted female rider waiting to start. Voice over of Dorian Williams.
Cut away to the two ladies watching their TV. Shot from an angle so we can't see the screen.
Cut back to White City to see the lady rider has just cleared the obstacle. A cheer from the crowd. The music changes to `Oklahoma'. Follow her round to see a similar group dressed as for `Oklahoma'. Ten hayseeds and six wenches with a hay wagon. Most have primitive pitch forks and are sucking on straws.
Cheer from TV. Cut back to White City. The horse is coming away from Oklahoma. Cut to run up to Black and White Minstrels.
Cur back to White City.
The lady jumper is now coming right towards the camera. Cut back to the ladies watching.
Cut back to horse actually jumping towards the camera. Cut to newsreader Peter Woods in a news studio.
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Music comes in underneath: 'When does a dream begin'. Mix to a young airman on an airfield gazing into a WAAF's eyes. Black and white, soft focus and scratched film to look like a not very good print of a 40s film. Airman sings.
(Mix sound to end of signiture tune.Halfway through the song the credits roll superimposed. They read;)