THREE

How to recognize different types of tree from quite a long way away

Opening as usual - man running through a forest towards camera with clothes tattered; arrives at camera, and say:

Man (Michael) It's....

Voice Over (John) Monty Python's Flying Circus.

ANIMATION :

Titles sequence as usual. And pretty flowers blooming. This finishes, and a magic lantern slide (done graphically) clicks into vision.

Voice Over (John) and CAPTIONS :

'EPISODE 12B'
'HOW TO RECOGNIZE DIFFERENT TYPES OF TREES FROM QUITE A LONG WAY AWAY'
'NO. 1'
'THE LARCH'

Photon of a larch tree.

Voice Over The larch. The larch.

Courtroom : a judge sitting at higher level and a prisoner in the dock.

Judge (Terry J) Mr Larch, you heard the case for the prosecution. Is there anything you wish to say before I pass sentence?

Prisoner (Eric) Well... I'd just like to say, m'lud, I've got a family... a wife and six kids... and I hope very much you don't have to takeaway my freedom... because... well, because m'lud freedom is a state much prized within the realm of civilized society. (slips into Olivier impression) It is a bond wherewith the savage man may charm the outward hatchments of'his soul, and soothe the troubled breast into a magnitude of quiet. It is most precious as a blessed balm, the saviour of princes, the harbinger of happiness, yea, the very stuff and pith of all we hold most dear. What frees the prisoner in his lonely cell, chained within the bondage of rude walls, far from the owl of Thebes? What fires and stirs the woodcock in his springe or wakes the drowsy apricot betides? What goddess doth the storm toss'd mariner offer her most tempestuous prayers to? Freedom! Freedom! Freedom!

Judge It's only a bloody parking offence.

Counsel walks into court.

Counsel (John) I'm sorry I'm late m'lud I couldn't find a kosher car park. Er... don't bother to recap m'lud, I'll pick it up as we go along. Call Mrs Fiona Lewis.

Mrs Lewis walks into the court and gets up into the witness box.

Clerk of the Court Call Mrs Fiona Lewis.

Pepperpot (Graham) (taking bible) I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so anyway, I said to her, I said, they can't afford that on what he earns, I mean for a start the feathers get up your nose, I ask you, four and six a pound, and him with a wooden leg, I don't know how she puts up with it after all the trouble she's had with her you-know-what, anyway it was a white wedding much to everyone's surprise, of course they bought everything on the hire purchase, I think they ought to send them back where they came from, I mean you've got to be cruel to be kind so Mrs Harris said, so she said, she said, she said, the dead crab she said, she said. Well, her sister's gone to Rhodesia what with her womb and all, and her youngest, her youngest as thin as a filing cabinet, and the goldfish, the goldfish they've got whooping cough they keep spitting water all over their Bratbys, well, they do don't they, I mean you can't, can you, I mean they're not even married or anything, they're not even divorced, and he's in the KGB if you ask me, he says he's a tree surgeon but I don't like the sound of his liver, all that squeaking and banging every night till the small hours, his mother's been much better since she had her head off, yes she has, I said, don't you talk to me about bladders, I said...

During all this counsel has been trying to ask questions. Eventually he gives up and Mrs Lewis is pushed out of court still talking.

Judge Mr Bartlett, I fail to see the relevance of your last witness.

Counsel My next witness will explain that if m'ludship will allow. I call the late Arthur Aldridge.

Clerk of the Court The late Arthur Aldridge.

Judge The late Arthur Aldridge?

Counsel: Yes m'lud.

A coffin is brought into the court and laid across the witness box.

Judge Mr Bartlett, do you think there is any relevance in questioning the deceased?

Counsel I beg your pardon m'lud.

Judge Well, I mean, your witness is dead.

Counsel Yes, m'lud. Er, well er, virtually, m'lud.

Judge He's not completely dead?

Counsel No he's not completely dead m'lud. No. But he's not at all well.

Judge But if he's not dead, what's he doing in a coffin?

Counsel Oh, it's purely a precaution m'lud - if I may continue? Mr Aldridge, you were a... you are a stockbroker of 10 Savundra Close, Wimbledon. (from the coffin comes a bang) Mr Aldridge...

Judge What was that knock?

Counsel It means 'yes' m'lud. One knock for 'yes', and two knocks for 'no'. If I may continue? Mr Aldridge, would it be fair to say that you are not at all well? (from the coffin comes a bang) In fact Mr Aldridge, not to put too fine a point on it, would you be prepared to say that you are, as it were, what is generally known as, in a manner of speaking, 'dead'? (silence, counsel listens) Mr Aldridge I put it to you that you are dead. (silence) Ah ha!

Judge Where is all this leading us?

Counsel That will become apparent in one moment m'lud. (walking over to coffin) Mr Aldridge are you considering the question or are you just dead? (silence) I think I'd better take a look m'lud. (he opens the coffin and looks inside for some time; then he closes the coffin) No further questions m'lud.

Judge What do you mean, no further questions? You can't just dump a dead body in my court and say 'no further questions'. I demand an explanation.

Counsel There are no easy answers in this case m'lud.

Judge I think you haven't got the slightest idea what this case is about.

Counsel M'lud the strange, damnable, almost diabolic threads of this extraordinary tangled web of intrigue will shortly m'lud reveal a plot so fiendish, so infernal, so heinous ...

Judge Mr Bartlett, your client has already pleaded guilty to the parking offence.

Counsel Parking offence, schmarking offence, m'lud. We must leave no stone unturned. Call Cardinal Richelieu.

Judge Oh, you're just trying to string this case out. Cardinal Richelieu?

Counsel A character witness m'lud.

Fanfare of trumpets. Cardinal Richelieu enters witness box in beautiful robes.

Cardinal (Michael) 'Allo everyone, it's wonderful to be 'ere y'know, I just love your country. London is so beautiful at this time of year.

Counsel Er, you are Cardinal Armand du Piessis de Richelieu, First Minister of Louis XIII?

Cardinal Oui.

Counsel Cardinal, would it be fair to say that you not only built up the centralized monarchy in France but also perpetuated the religious schism in Europe?

Cardinal (modesty) That's what they say.

Counsel Did you persecute the Huguenots?

Cardinal Oui.

Counsel And did you take even sterner measures against the great Catholic nobles who made common cause with foreign foes in defence of their feudal independence?

Cardinal I sure did that thing.

Counsel Cardinal. Are you acquainted with the defendant, Harold Larch?

Cardinal Since I was so high (indicating).

Counsel Speaking as a Cardinal of the Roman Catholic Church, as First Minister of Louis XIII, and as one of the architects of the modern world already - would you say that Harold Larch was a man of good character?

Cardinal Listen. Harry is a very wonderful human being.

Counsel M'lud. In view of the impeccable nature of this character witness may I plead for clemency.

Judge Oh but it's only thirty shillings.

Enter Inspector Dim.

Dim (Graham) Not so fast!

Prisoner Why not?

Dim (momentarily thrown) None of your smart answers ... you think you're so clever. Well, I'm Dim.

CAPTION : 'DIM OF THE YARD'

Omnes (in unison) Dim! Consternation! Uproar!

Dim Yes, and I've a few questions I'd like to ask Cardinal so-called Richelieu.

Cardinal Bonjour Monsieur Dim.

Dim So-called Cardinal, I put it to you that you died in December 1642.

Cardinal That is correct.

Dim Ah ha! He fell for my little trap.

Court applauds and the Cardinal looks dismayed.

Cardinal Curse you Inspector Dim. You are too clever for us naughty people.

Dim And furthermore I suggest that you are none other than Ron Higgins, professional Cardinal Richelieu impersonator.

Cardinal It's a fair cop.

Counsel My life you're clever Dim. He'd certainly taken me in.

Dim It's all in a day's work.

Judge With a brilliant mind like yours, Dim, you could be something other than a policeman.

Dim Yes.

Judge What?

Piano starts playing introduction.

Dim (singing) If I were not in the CID

Something else I'd like to be

If I were not in the CID

A window cleaner, me!

With a rub-a-dub-dub and a scrub-a-dub-dub

And a rub-a-dub all day long

With a rub-a-dub-dub and a scrub-a-dub-dub

I'd sing this merry song!

He mimes window cleaning movements and the rest of the court enthusiastically mimes and sings the chorus again with him. Whe the chorus verse ends the counsel enthusiastically takes over but this time the court all sit and watch him as though he has gone completely mad.

Counsel If I were not before the bar

Something else I'd like to be

If I were not a barr-is-ter

An engine driver me!

With a chuffchuffchuff etc.

He makes engine miming movements. As before. A few seconds he sees that the rest of the court are staring at him in amazement and he loses momentum rapidly almost as rapidly as he loses confidence and dignity. At last he subsides. Our knight in armour walks up to the counsel and hits him with a traditional raw chicken.

Voice Over (John) and CAPTION :'NO. 1'

'THE LARCH'

Photo of larch tree.

Voice Over The larch. The larch.

Voice Over and CAPTION :'AND NOW... NO. 1... THE LARCH... AND NOW...'

Superman film: shot from below of Superman (Michael) striding along against the sky.

Commentator (John) (American accent) This man is no ordinary man. This is Mr. F. G. Superman. To all appearances no different from any other law-abiding citizen.

Pull back to reveal he is in a modern street full of Supermen walking along shopping, waiting at bus queue etc. F. G. Superman gets onto a bus. The bus is full of Supermen, most of them with shopping baskets on their knees. F. G. Superman finds a seat... during the commentary the camera tracks in on his face.

Commentator But Mr F. G. Superman has a secret identity... when trouble strikes at any time... at any place... he is ready to become... Bicycle Repair Man!

The camera is by now in very tight close-up. A country lane. A Superman rides into shot on a bicycle, whistling innocently. Suddenly he veers off to one side and crashes down into a ditch.
Cut to a launderette. Pan along a row of Supermen, one or two of whom are poring over magazines such as :'The Adventures of an Insurance Broker', 'Income Tax Comics' and 'The Grocer'. Suddenly the door flies open and a youngish Superboy bursts in dramatically.

Superboy (dramatically)Hey, there's a bicycle broken! Up the road. (he points dramatically)

General consternation.

Bicycle Repair Man (Michael) (voice over)Hmmmmm. Thinks - this sounds like a job for Bicycle Repair Man.... but how to change without revealing my secret identity?

First Superman (John) (heavily) If only Bicycle Repair Man were here!

F. G. Superman (heavily) Yes. Wait! I think I know where I can find him - look over there!

F. G. Superman points out of window; they turn and look obediently.
F. G. Superman whips overalls out of case and puts them on.

Caption: 'FLASH!'

Fantastically speeded-up for this. His overalls have 'Bicycle Repair Man' written across the chest. He completes the transformation with a pair of little round specs and a bag of tools. He makes for the door and all the Supermen turn and raise their hands in amazement.

Supermen Bicycle Repair Man! But... how?!

Cut to three Supermen digging the road up. One suddenly looks up.

First Superman Oh look - is it a Stockbroker?

Second Superman (Graham) Is it a Quantity Surveyor?

Third Superman (Terry J) Is it a Church Warden?

All No! It's BICYCLE REPAIR MAN!

Country road. Superman is standing over the mangled bits looking at it and scratching his head. Bicycle Repair Man speed up to him. Superman stands back in surprise, with arms raised.

Superman (Terry J) My! BICYCLE REPAIR MAN! Thank goodness you've come! (he points stiltedly) Look!

Bicycle Repair Man pushes him to one side and kneels beside the broken bicycle. Speeded up; he mends the bike with spanners etc. Graphics.

CAPTION:
'CLINK!'
'SCREW!'
'BEND!'
'INFLATE!'
'ALTER SADDLE!'

A little group of Supermen has gathered to watch him work. As he does so they point in amazement.

Second Superman Why! he's mending it with his own hands!

First Superman See! How he uses a spanner to tighten that nut!

Cut to see Bicycle Repair Man presenting the Superman with a glittering drop-handlebarred bike.

Superman (taking bike) Oh... Oh! Bicycle Repair Man! How can I ever repay you?

Bicycle Repair Man Oh, you don't need to guv, it's all right, it's all in a days work for... Bicycle Repair Man! (he shuffles away)

Supermen Our Hero!

Commentator (John) Yes! Whenever bicycles are broken, or menaced by International Communism, Bicycle Repair Man is ready!

Cut to commentator in garden with earphones on, and in front of microphone, which is on a garden table.

Commentator Ready to smash the communists, wipe them up, and shove them off the face of the earth... (his voice rises hysterically) Mash that dirty red scum, kick 'em in the teeth where it hurts. (commentator rises from his canvas chair, and flails about wildly, waving script, kicking over table, knocking down sunshade) Kill! Kill! Kill! The filthy bastard commies, I hate 'em! I hate 'em! Aaargh! Aaargh!

Wife (off-screen) Norman! Tea's ready.

Commentator (calmly) Coming dear!

He gathers up his script, picks up chair, and walks out of frame. Pause, then the man in the suit of armour crosses frame after him.

ANMATION: Five seconds of Gilliam animation. To gentle children's music, we see bunnies jumping up and down.

Cut to children's storyteller in studio.

Storyteller (Eric) (sitting with large children's book, at desk) Hello, Children, hello. Here is this morning's story. Are you ready? Then we'll begin. (opens book; reads) 'One day Ricky the magic Pixie went to visit Daisy Bumble in her tumbledown cottage. He found her in the bedroom. Roughly he gabbed her heavy shoulders pulling her down on to the bed and ripping off her... ' (reads silently, turns over page quickly, smiles) 'Old Nick the Sea Captain was a rough tough jolly sort of fellow. He loved the life of the sea and he loved to hang out down by the pier where the men dressed as ladies...' (reads on silently; a stick enters vision and pokes him; he starts and turns over page) 'Rumpletweezer ran the Dinky Tinky shop in the foot of the magic oak tree by the wobbly dum dum bush in the shade of the magic glade down in Dingly Dell. Here he sold contraceptives and ... discipline?... naked? ... (without looking up, reads a bit; then, incredulously to himself) With a melon!?

ANIMATION:

A hippo squashes the bunnies... and other things happen.
Cut to a seaside beach. By a notice, 'Donkey Rides', run two men carrying a donkey. The comp�re addresses the camera.

Comp�re (Michael) Hello again, now here's a little sketch by two boys from London town. They've been writing for three years and they've called this little number - here it is, it's called - Restaurant sketch.

Film clip of Women's Institute appluading. A couple are seated at a table in a restaurant.

Lady (Carol) It's nice here, isn't it?

Man (Graham) Oh, very good restaurant, three stars you know.

Lady Really?

Man Mmm...

Waiter (Terry J) Good evening, sir! Good evening, madam! And may I say what a pleasure it is to see you here again, sir!

Man Oh thank you. Well there you are dear. Have a look there, anything you like. The boeuf en croute is fantastic.

Waiter Oh if I may suggest, sir ... the pheasant à la reine, the sauce is one of the chefs most famous creations.

Man Em... that sounds good. Anyway just have a look... take your time. Oh, er by the way - got a bit of a dirty fork, could you ... er... get me another one?

Waiter I beg your pardon.

Man Oh it's nothing ... er, I've got a fork a little bit dirty. Could you get me another one? Thank you.

Waiter Oh ... sir, I do apologize.

Man Oh, no need to apologize, it doesn't worry me.

Waiter Oh no, no, no, I do apologize. I will fetch the head waiter immediatement.

Man Oh, there's no need to do that!

Waiter Oh, no no... I'm sure the head waiter, he will want to apologize to you himself. I will fetch him at once.

Lady Well, you certainly get good service here.

Man They really look after you... yes.

Head Waiter (Michael) Excuse me monsieur and madame. (examines the fork) It's filthy, Gaston ... find out who washed this up, and give them their cards immediately.

Man Oh, no, no.

Head Waiter Better still, we can't afford to take any chances, sack the entire washing-up staff.

Man No, look I don't want to make any trouble.

Head Waiter Oh, no please, no trouble. It's quite right that you should point these kind of things out. Gaston, tell the manager what has happened immediately! (waiter runs off)

Man Oh, no I don't want to cause any fuss.

Head Waiter Please, it's no fuss. I quite simply wish to ensure that nothing interferes with your complete enjoyment of the meal.

Man Oh I'm sure it won't, it was only a dirty fork.

Head Waiter I know. And I'm sorry, bitterly sorry, but I know that... no apologies I can make can alter the fact that in our restaurant you have been given a dirty, filthy, smelly piece of cutlery...

Man It wasn't smelly.

Head Waiter It was smelly, and obscene and disgusting and I hate it, I hate it ,.. nasty, grubby, dirty, mingy, scrubby little fork. Oh ... oh . . . oh . . . (runs off in a passion as the manager comes to the table)

Manager (Eric) Good evening, sir, good evening, madam. I am the manager. I've only just heard ... may I sit down?

Man Yes, of course.

Manager I want to apologize, humbly, deeply, and sincerely about the fork.

Man Oh please, it's only a tiny bit... I couldn't see it.

Manager Ah you're good kind fine people, for saying that, but I can see it... to me it's like a mountain, a vast bowl of pus.

Man It's not as bad as that.

Manager It gets me here. I can't give you any excuses for it - there are no excuses. I've been meaning to spend more time in the restaurant recently, but I haven't been too well ... (emotionally) things aren't going very well back there. The poor cook's son has been put away again, and poor old Mrs Dalrymple who does the washing up can hardly move her poor fingers, and then there's Gilberto's war wound - but they're good people, and they're kind people, and together we were beginning to get over this dark patch ... there was light at the end of the tunnel . .. now this . .. now this...

Man Can I get you some water?

Manager (in tears) It's the end of the road!!

The cook comes in; he is very big and carries a meat cleaver.

Cook (John) (shouting) You bastards! You vicious, heartless bastards! Look what you've done to him! He's worked his fingers to the bone to make this place what it is, and you come in with your petty feeble quibbling and you grind him into the dirt, this fine, honourable man, whose boots you are not worthy to kiss. Oh... it makes me mad... mad! (slams cleaver into the table)

The head waiter comes in and tries to restrain him.

Head Waiter Easy, Mungo, easy... Mungo... (clutches his head in agony) the war wound!... the wound... the wound...

Manager This is the end! The end! Aaargh!! (stabs himself with the fork)

Cook They've destroyed him! He's dead!! They killed him!!! (goes completely mad)

Head Waiter (trying to restrain him) Mungo... never kill a customer. (in pain) Oh . .. the wound! The wound! (he and the cook fight furiously and fall over the table)

CAPTION :'AND NOW THE PUNCH-LINE'

Man Lucky we didn't say anything about the dirty knife...

Boos of disgust from off-screen. Cut back to seaside.

Comp�re Well, there we are then, that was the restaurant sketch, a nice little number... a bit vicious in parts, but a lot of fun... but how about that punch-line, eh?... Oh you know what I mean - oh... oh... really.

The man from the sketch borrows the knight's chicken and hits commentator with it.
A cartoon advertising 'Interesting Lives' leads to film of milkman (Michael) delivering milk to a suburban house. As he puts the milk down, the front door opens and a seductively dressed young lady (Carol) beckons him inside. Glancinng round furtively he follows her into the house and up the stairs. She leads him to the bedroom door, opens it, and ushers him inside, closing the door behind him. Inside, he is bewildered to see several elderly milkmen, who have obviously been there for a very long time.

Cut to a BBC News studio, where the newsreader is just putting the phone down. At his desk is an old-fashioned microphone with 'BBC' on it. He is in evening dress, and speaks in beautifully modulated tones.

Newsreader (John) Good evening, here is the 6 o'clock News read by Michael Queen. It's been a quiet day over most of the country as people went back to work after the warmest July weekend for nearly a year. The only high spot of the weekend was the meeting between officials of the NEDC and the ODCN in Bradford today.

At this point, axes split open the studio door behind him. Through the hole, men with stockings over their heads leap in firing guns in all directions. The newsreader continues, unperturbed. Cut to marauders pushing the newsreader, still at his desk down a passage in the BBC They rush him out of the TV Centre and onto the back of a lorry.

Newsreader (continuing) In Geneva, officials of the Central Clearing Banks met with Herr Voleschtadt of Poland to discuss non-returnable loans on a twelve-year trust basis for the construction of a new zinc-treating works in the Omsk area of Krakow, near the Bulestan border. The Board of Trade has ratified a Trade Agreement with the Soviet Union for the sale of 600 low gear electric sewing machines. The President of the Board of Trade said he hoped this would mark a new area of expansion in world trade and a new spirit of co-operation between East and West. There has been a substantial drop in Gold Reserves during the last twelve months. This follows a statement by the Treasury to the effect that the balance of imports situation had not changed dramatically over the same period. (cut to lorry hunling through London with newsreader still reading news on the back (facing backwards); cut to lorry hunling through country lane and flashing past camera) Still no news of the National Savings book lost by Mr Charles Griffiths of Porthcawl during a field expedition to the Nature Reserves of Swansea last July. Mr Griffiths' wife said that her husband was refusing to talk to the Press until the Savings Certificate had been found. (cut to gang hoisting him on to the back of an open lorry, still in desk etc.) In Cornwall the death has been announced today of the former Minister without Portfoho, General Sir Hugh Marksby-Smith. Sir Hugh was vice-president of the Rotarian movement. (a long shot of a jetty; we see the gang still pushing the newsreader still on his desk along the jetty) In the match between Glamorgan and Yorkshire, the Yorkshire bowler Nicholson took eight wickets for three runs. Glamorgan were all out for the thirty-six and therefore won the match by an innings and seven runs. Weather for tomorrow will be cloudy with occasional outbreaks of rain. And that is the end of the news.

FX splash. Gurgle Gurgle.

Voice Over (John) and CAPTIONS

'AND NOW'

'NO. 1'

'THE LARCH'

Picture of a larch tree.

Voice Over The larch.

Voice Over and CAPTIONS:

'AND NOW'

'NO. 3'

'THE LARCH'

'AND NOW...'

Picture of chestnut tree.

Voice Over The horse chestnut.

Film clip of cheering crowd. Then to interviewer bending down to speak to children in playground.

Interviewer (John) Eric ... do you think you could recognize a larch tree?

Eric (Eric) (after much deliberation) Don't know.

Roars of delighted pre-recorded laughter from unseen audience.

Interviewer What's your name?

Michael (Michael) Michael.

Laughter.

Interviewer Michael, do you think you know what a larch tree looks like?

Michael (bursting into tears) I want to go home.

Shrieks from unseen audience.

Terry (Terry J) Bottom!

More shrieks.

Interviewer Are there any other trees that any of you think you could recognize from quite a long way away?

Terry I ... want... to see a sketch of Eric's please...

Interviewer What?

Terry I want to see a sketch of Eric's. Nudge Nudge.

Interviewer: A sketch?

Terry Eric's written...

Eric I written a sketch.

Michael Nudge nudge, Eric's written ...

Eric Nudge nudge ... nudge ... nudge.

Two men in a pub.

Norman (Eric) Is your wife a ... goer... eh? Know what I mean? Know what I mean? Nudge Nudge. Nudge nudge. Know what I mean? Say no more... know what I mean?

Him (Terry J) I beg your pardon?

Norman Your wife... does she, er, does she 'go' - eh? eh? eh? Know what I mean, know what I mean? Nudge nudge. Say no more.

Him She sometimes goes, yes.

Norman I bet she does. I bet she does. I bet she goes. Know what I mean? Nudge nudge.

Him I'm sorry. I don't quite follow you.

Norman Follow me! Follow me! I like that. That's good. A nod's as good as a wink to a blink bat, eh? (elbow gesture; rubs it)

Him Are you trying to sell something?

Norman Selling, selling. Very good. Very good. (hand tilting quickly) Oh, wicked. Wicked. You're wicked. Eh? Know what I mean? Know what I mean? Nudge nudge. Know what I mean? Nudge nudge. Nudge nudge. (leaning over to him, making eye gesture; speaks slowly) Say... no... more. (leans back as if having imparted a great secret)

Him But...

Norman (stops him with finger which he lays alongside nose; gives slight tap) Your wife is she, eh... is she a sport? Eh?

Him She likes sport, yes.

Norman I bet she does, I bet she does.

Him She's very fond of cricket, as a matter of fact.

Norman (leans across, looking away) Who isn't, eh? Know what I mean? Likes games, likes games. Knew she would. Knew she would! Knew she would! She's been around, eh? Been around?

Him She's travelled. She's from Purley.

Norman Oh... oh. Say no more, say nore more. Say no more - Purley, say no more. Purley, eh. Know what I mean, know what I mean? Say no more.

Him (about to speak; can't think of anything to say)

Norman (leers, grinning) Your wife interested in er... (waggles head, leans across) photographs, eh? Know what I mean? Photographs, 'he asked him knowingly'.

Him Photography.

Norman Yes. Nudge nudge. Snap snap. Grin, grin, wink, wink, say no more.

Him Holiday snaps?

Norman Could be, could be taken on holiday. Could be yes - swimming costumes. Know what I mean? Candid photography. Know what I mean, nudge nudge.

Him No, no we don't have a camera.

Norman Oh. Still (slaps hands lightly twice) Woah! Eh? Wo-oah! Eh?

Him Look, are you insinuating something?

Norman Oh... no... no... Yes.

Him Well?

Norman Well. I mean. Er, I mean. You're a man of the world, aren't you... I mean, er, you've er... you've been there haven't you... I eman you've been around... eh?

Him What do you mean?

Norman Well I mean like you've er... you've done it... I mean like, you know... you've... er... you've slept... with a lady.

Him Yes.

Norman What's it like?

Enormous artificial laugh on sound track. Closing film, starting with referee blowing whistle and then into 'It's' man running away from camera.

ROLLER CAPTION :'"HOW TO RECOGNIZE DIFFERENT TYPES OF TREES FROM QUITE A LONG WAY AWAY" WAS CONCEIVED, WRITTEN AND PERFORMED BY... (CREDITS)'

Voice Over The larch.