Man (Michael) It's...
Voice Over (John) Monty Python's Flying Circus.
Ordinary grey-suited announcer standing by desk. He smiles confidently.
Announcer (Graham) Good evening.
Cut to a blackboard with several lines of pigs drawn on it in colour. A man steps into view and with a piece of chalk crosses out one of the pigs.
Mozart (John) Hello again, and welcome to the show. Tonight we continue to look at some famous deaths. Tonight we start with the wonderful death of Genghis Khan, conqueror of India. Take it away Genghis.
Indian-style background music. Suddenly the music cuts out and Genghis Khan with a squawk throws himself in the air and lands on his back. This happens very suddenly.
Judges hold up cards with points on, in the manner of ice skating judges.
Voice Over (Graham) 9.1, 9.3, 9.7, that's 28.1 for Genghis Khan.
Mozart Bad luck Genghis. Nice to have you on the show. And now here are the scores.
| ST STEPHAN | 29.9 |
| RICHARD III | 29.3 |
| JEAN D'ARC | 29.1 |
| MARAT | 29.0 |
| A. LINCOLN (U.S. of A.) | 28.2 |
| G. KHAN | 28.1 |
| KING EDWARD VII | 3.1 |
Eddie (Eric) Well there you can see the scores now. St Stephen in the lead there with his stoning, then comes King Richard the Third at Bosworth Field, a grand death that, then the very lovely Jean d'Arc, then Marat in his bath - best of friends with Charlotte in the showers afterwards - then A. Lincoln of the U.S of A, a grand little chap that, and number six Genghis Khan, and the back marker King Edward the Seventh. Back to you, Wolfgang.
Mozart Thank you, Eddie. And now time for this week's request death. (taking card off piano) For Mr and Mrs Violet Stebbings of 23 Wolverston Road, Hull, the death of Mr Bruce Foster of Guildford.
Foster (Graham) Strewth! (he dies)
Mozart Oh blimey, how time flies. Sadly we are reaching the end of yet another programme and so it is finale time. We are proud to be bringing to you one of the evergreen bucket kickers. Yes, the wonderful death of the famous English Admiral Nelson.
Nelson Kiss me Hardy!
Cut to polytechnic night school. Teacher looking down out of classroom window. He crosses to a long wall blackboard with line of pigs drawn on near end. He crosses one off, walks along blackboard to other end which has written on it 'evening classes 7-8p.m.'. He writes 'Italian' below this and turns to camera.
Teacher (Terry J) Ah - good evening everyone, and welcome to the second of our Italian language classes, in which we'll be helping you brush up your Italian. Last week we started at the beginning, and we learnt the Italian for a 'spoon'. Now, I wonder how many of you can remember what it was?
Teacher Not all at once ... sit down Mario. Giuseppe!
Giuseppe (Michael) II cucchiaio.
Teacher Well done Giuseppe, or, as the Italians would say: 'Molto bene, Giuseppe'.
Giuseppe Grazie signor ... grazie di tutta la sua gentilezza.
Teacher Well, now, this week we're going to learn some useful phrases to help us open a conversation with an Italian. Now first of all try telling him where you come from. For example, I would say: 'Sono Inglese di Gerrard's Cross', I am an Englishman from Gerrard's Cross. Shall we all try that together?
All Sono Inglese di Gerrard's Cross.
Teacher Not too bad, now let's try it with somebody else. Er... Mr... ?
Mariolini (John) Mariolini.
Teacher Ah, Mr Mariolini, and where are you from?
Mariolini Napoli, signor.
Teacher Ah ... you're an Italian.
Mariolini Si, si signor!
Teacher Well in that case you would say: 'Sono Italiano di Napoli'.
Mariolini Ah, capisco, mille grazie signor...
Francesco (Eric) Per favore, signor!
Teacher Yes?
Francesco Non conosgeve parliamente, signor devo me parlo sono Italiano di Napoli quando il habitare de Milano.
Teacher I'm sorry ... I don't understand!
Giuseppe (pointing to Francesco) My friend say 'Why must he say ...'
German (Graham) Bitte mein Herr. Was ist das Wort für Mittelschmerz?
Teacher Ah! Helmut - you want the German classes.
German Oh ja! Danke schön. (he starts to leave) Ah das deutsche Klassenzimmer... Ach! (he leaves)
Giuseppe My friend he say, 'Why must I say I am Italian from Napoli when he lives in Milan?'
Teacher Ah, I... well, tell your friend ... if he lives in Milan he must say 'Sono Italiano di Milano...'
Francesco (agitatedly, leaping to his feet) Eeeeeee! Milano è tanto meglio di Napoli. Milano è la citta la più bella di tutti ... nel mondo...
Giuseppe He say 'Milan is better than Napoli'.
Teacher Oh, he shouldn't be saying that, we haven't done comparatives yet.
ANIMATION : The blackboard with the coloured pigs drawn on it, is reproduced on the first few frames of the animation film. A real hand comes into picture and crosses off a third pig. Thereafter action follows the dictates of Se�or Gilliam's wonderfully visual mind.
At the end of this animation we have an advertisement for Whizzo butter.
First Pepperpot (Graham) I can't tell the difference between Whizzo butter and this dead crab.
Interviewer (Michael) Yes, you know, we find that nine out of ten British housewives can't tell the difference between Whizzo butter and a dead crab.
Pepperpots It's true, we can't. No.
Second Pepperpot (John) Here. Here! You're on television, aren't you?
Interviewer (modestly) Yes, yes.
Second Pepperpot He does the thing with one of those silly women who can't tell Whizzo butter from a dead crab.
Third Pepperpot (Terry J) You try that around here, young man, and we'll slit your face.
Ross (Graham) Good evening.
Second Interviewer Edward... you don't mind if I call you Edward?
Ross No, not at all.
Second Interviewer Only it does worry some people ... I don't know why ... but they are a little sensitive, so I do take the precaution of asking on these occasions.
Ross No, no, no that's fine.
Second Interviewer So Edward's all right. Splendid. Splendid. Sorry to have brought it up, only eh...
Ross No, no, Edward it is.
Second Interviewer Well, thank you very much indeed for being so helpful... only it's more than my job's worth to... er...
Ross Quite, yes.
Second Interviewer Makes it rather difficult to establish a rapport ... to put the other person at their ease.
Ross Quite.
Second Interviewer Yes, silly little point but it does seem to matter. Still - less said the better. Um... Ted... when you first started in... you don't mind if I call you Ted?
Ross No, no, no, everyone calls me Ted.
Second Interviewer Well it's shorter, isn't it.
Ross Yes it is.
Second Interviewer And much less formal.
Ross Yes, Ted, Edward, anything.
Second Interviewer Splendid, splendid. Incidentally, do call me Tom. I don't want you playing around with any of this Thomas nonsense ha ha ha. Now where were we? Oh yes, Eddie-baby, when you first started in the...
Ross I'm sorry, but I don't like being called Eddie-baby.
Second Interviewer I'm sorry?
Ross I don't like being called Eddie-baby.
Second Interviewer Did I call you Eddie-baby?
Ross Yes you did. Now get on with it.
Second Interviewer I don't think I did call you Eddie-baby.
Ross You did call me Eddie-baby.
Second Interviewer (looking off-screen) Did I call him Eddie-baby?
Voices Yes. No. Yes.
Second Interviewer I didn't really call you Eddie-baby, did I, sweetie?
Ross Don't call me sweetie!!
Second Interviewer Can I call you sugar plum?
Ross No!
Second Interviewer Pussy cat?
Ross No.
Second Interviewer Angel-drawers?
Ross No you may not!! Now get on with it!
Second Interviewer Frank.
Ross What?
Second Interviewer Can I call you Frank?
Ross Why Frank?
Second Interviewer It's a nice name. Robin Day's got a hedgehog called Frank.
Ross What is going on?
Second Interviewer Frannie, little Frannie, Frannie Knickers...
Ross (getting up) No, I'm leaving. I'm leaving, I'm off...
Second Interviewer Tell us about your latest film, Sir Edward.
Ross (off-screen) What?
Second Interviewer Tell us about your latest film, if you'd be so kind, Sir Edward.
Ross (returning) None of this 'pussy cat' nonsense?
Second Interviewer Promise. (pats seat) Please, Sir Edward.
Ross (sitting down) My latest film?
Second Interviewer Yes, Sir Edward.
Ross Well the idea, funnily enough, came from an idea I had when I first joined the industry in 1919. Of course, in those days I was only the tea boy.
Second Interviewer Oh, shut up.
CAPTION :'PIGS 3, NELSON 1'
Third Interviewer and Arthur 'Two Sheds' Jackson. Musical score blow-up behind.
Third Interviewer (Eric) Last week the Royal Festival Hall saw the first performance of a new symphony by one of the world's leading modern composers, Arthur 'Two Sheds' Jackson. Mr Jackson.
Jackson (Terry J) Good evening.
Third Interviewer May I just sidetrack you for one moment. Mr Jackson, this, what shall I call it, nickname of yours...
Jackson Oh yes.
Third Interviewer 'Two Sheds'. How did you come by it?
Jackson Well, I don't use it myself, it's just a few of my friends call me 'Two Sheds'.
Third Interviewer I see, and do you in fact have two sheds?
Jackson No. No, I've only one shed. I've had one for some time, but a few years ago I said I was thinking of getting another one, and since then some people have called me 'Two Sheds'.
Third Interviewer In spite of the fact that you only have one.
Jackson Yes.
Third Interviewer I see, and are you thinking of purchase a second shed?
Jackson No.
Third Interviewer To bring you in line with your epithet.
Jackson No.
Third Interviewer I see, I see. Well let's return to your symphony. Ah, now then, did you write this symphony ... in the shed?
Jackson ... No.
Third Interviewer Have you written any of your recent works in this shed of yours?
Jackson No it's just a perfectly ordinary garden shed.
Third Interviewer I see. And you're thinking of buying this second shed to write in.
Jackson No, no. Look this shed business, it doesn't really matter at all, the sheds aren't important. It's just a few friends call me 'Two Sheds' and that's all there is to it. I wish you'd ask me about my music. I'm a composer. People always ask me about the sheds, they've got it out of proportion, I'm fed up with the sheds, I wish I'd never got it in the first place.
Third Interviewer I expect you're probably thinking of selling one.
Jackson I will sell one.
Third Interviewer Then you'll be Arthur 'No Sheds' Jackson.
Jackson Look forget about the sheds. They don't matter.
Third Interviewer Mr Jackson I think with respect, we ought to talk about your symphony.
Jackson What?
Third Interviewer Apparently your symphony was written for organ and tympani.
Jackson (catches sight of the picture of the shed behind him) What's that?
Third Interviewer What's what?
Jackson It's a shed. Get it off.
Jackson Right.
Third Interviewer Now then Mr Jackson... your symphony.
Cut back to studio: the picture of him is replaced by a picture of two sheds, one with a question mark over it.
Jackson What?
Third Interviewer I understand that about thirty years ago you were extremely interested in train spotting.
Jackson What's that got to do with my bloody music?
Second Interviewer Are you having any trouble from him?
Third Interviewer Yes, a little.
Second Interviewer Well we interviewers are more than a match for the likes of you, 'Two Sheds'.
Third Interviewer Yes make yourself scarce 'Two Sheds'. This studio isn't big enough for the three of us.
Jackson What are you doing? (he is pushed out of vision with a crash)
Second Interviewer Get your own Arts programme you fairy!
Third Interviewer (to camera) Arthur 'Two Sheds' Jackson.
Second Interviewer (off-screen) Oh Michael you're such a comfort.
Linkman Arthur 'Two Sheds' ...
Viking (John) ... Jackson.
Linkman And now for more news of the momentous artistic event in which Pablo Picasso is doing a specially commissioned painting for us whilst riding a bicycle. Pablo Picasso - the founder of modern art - without doubt the greatest abstract painter ever... for the first time painting in motion. But first of all let's have a look at the route he'll be taking.
Baxter (Michael) Well Picasso will be starting, David, at Chichester here, he'll then cycle on the A29 to Fontwell, he'll then take the A272 which will bring him on to the A3 just north of Hindhead here. From then on Pablo has a straight run on the A3 until he meets the South Circular at Battersea here. Well, this is a truly remarkable occasion as it is the first time that a modern artist of such stature has taken the A272, and it'll be very interesting to see how he copes with the heavy traffic round Wisborough Green. Vicky.
Vicky (Eric) Well Picasso will be riding his Viking Super Roadster with the drop handlebars and the dual-thread wheel-rims and with his Wiley-Prat 20-1 synchro-mesh he should experience difficulties on the sort of road surfaces they just don't get abroad. Mitzie.
Linkman And now for the latest report on Picasso's progress over to Reg Moss on the Guildford by-pass.
Reg Moss (Eric) Well there's no sign of Picasso at the moment, David. But he should be through here at any moment. However I do have with me Mr Ron Geppo, British Cycling Sprint Champion and this year's winner of the Derby-Doncaster rally.
Geppo (Graham) Well Reg, I think Pablo should be all right provided he doesn't attempt anything on the monumental scale of some of his earlier paintings, like Guernica or Mademoiselles d'Avignon or even his later War and Peace murals for the Temple of Peace chapel at Vallauris, because with this strong head wind I don't think even Doug Timpson of Manchester Harriers could paint anything on that kind of scale.
Reg Moss Well, thank you Ron. Well, there still seems to be no sign of Picasso, so I'll hand you back to the studio.
Linkman Well, we've just heard that Picasso is approaching the Tolworth roundabout on the A3 so come in Sam Trench at Tolworth.
Trench (John) Well something certainly is happening here at Tolworth roundabout, David. I can now see Picasso, he's cycling down very hard towards the roundabout, he's about 75-50 yards away and I can now see his painting... it's an abstract... I can see some blue some purple and some little black oval shapes... I think I can see...
Pepperpot (Michael) That's not Picasso - that's Kandinsky.
Trench (excited) Good lord, you're right. It's Kandinsky. Wassily Kandinsky, and who's this here with him? It's Braque. Georges Braque, the Cubist, painting a bird in flight over a cornfield and going very fast down the hill towards Kingston and... (cylists pass in front of him) Piet Mondrian - just behind, Pier Mondrian the Neo-Plasticist, and then a gap, then the main bunch, here they come, Chagall, Max Ernst, Miro, Dufy, Ben Nicholson, Jackson Pollock and Bernard Buffet making a break on the outside here, Brancusi's going with him, so is G�ricault, Fernand L�ger, Delaunay, De Kooning, Kokoschka's dropping back here by the look of it, and so's Paul Klee dropping back a bit and, right at the back of this group, our very own Kurt Schwitters.
Pepperpot He's German!
Trench But as yet absolutely no sign of Pablo Picasso, and so from Tolworth roundabout back to the studio.
Cut back to studio.
Linkman Well I think I can help you there Sam, we're getting reports in from the AA that Picasso, Picasso has fallen off... he's fallen off his bicycle on the B2127 just outside Ewhurst, trying to get a short cut through to Dorking via Peaslake and Gomshall. Well, Picasso is reported to be unhurt, but the pig has a slight headache. And on that note we must say goodnight to you. Picasso has failed in his first bid for international cycling fame. So from all of us here at the 'It's the Arts' studio, it's goodnight. (pig's head appears over edge of desk; linkman gently pushes it back) Goodnight.
Cut to wartime planning room. Tow officers are pushing model pigs across the map. A private enters and salutes.
Officer Porker, eh? Swine.
Cut to news type shot of commentator standing in front of the house.
Inspector (Graham) I shall enter the house and attempt to remove the joke.
Commentator There goes a brave man. Whether he comes out alive or not, this will surely be remembered as one of the most courageous and gallant acts in police history.
Cut to stock film of army vans driving along dark roads.
Cut to a pillbox on the Salisbury Plain. Track in to slit to see moustachioed top brass peering anxiously out.
Cut in to corporal's face - registening complete lack of comprehension as well as stupidity. Man on top of pillbox waves flag. The soldiers reveal the joke to the corporal. He peers at it, thinks about its meaning, sniggers, and dies. Two watching generals are very impressed.
Commanding NCO Tell the ... joke.
Joke Brigade (together) Wenn ist das Nunstrück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
Voice Over ... and one which Hilter just couldn't match.
Voice Over In action it was deadly.
Voice Over The German casualties were appalling.
Cut to Nazi interrogation room. An officer from the joke brigade has a light shining in his face. A Gestapo officer is interrogating him; another (clearly labelled 'A Gestapo Officer') stands behind him.
Officer (Michael) I can only give you name, rank, and why did the chicken cross the road?
Nazi That's not funny! (slaps him) I vant to know the joke.
Officer All right. How do you make a Nazi cross?
Nazi (momentarily fooled) I don't know ... how do you make a Nazi cross?
Officer Tread on his corns. (does so; the Nazi hops in pain)
Nazi Gott in Himmel! That's not funny! (mimes cuffing him while the other Nazi claps his hands to provide the sound effect) Now if you don't tell me the joke, I shall hit you properly.
Officer I can stand physical pain, you know.
Nazi Ah ... you're no fun. All right, Otto.
Cut to stock film of German scientists working in laboratories.
Bespectacled German scientist/joke writer enters room. He clears his throat and reads from card.
More stock film of German scientists.
Cut to modern BBC 2 interview. The commentator in a woodland glade.
Cut to football referee who blows whistle. Silence. Blank screen.
CAPTION :'THE END'
The seashore again, with the 'It's' man lying on the beach. A stick from off-screen prods him. Exhausted, he rises and staggers back into the sea.
CAPTION : '"WHITHER CANADA?" WAS CONCEIVED WRITTEN AND PERFORMED BY ...(CREDITS)'